UPDATE: NEW ONLINE WORKSHOP: Saturday 19th and Sunday 20th June 2021

“I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in the darkness,
The Astonishing Light
Of your own Being!”
Hafiz

We all experience some level of toxic social conditioning, trauma and core wounding in our early years. One example is when we feel that showing some aspect of ourselves to the world won’t be accepted, or, in some way, will be rejected.

For Gender, Sex and Relationally Diverse (GSRD) people, this Minority Stress[i] can often be particularly magnified or even more traumatising. Adding other intersectionalities such as race, class, status, religion, education, age or ability can create a very damaging mix.

Recent research has highlighted that the mental health of those people who express or are questioning themselves, sexually, relationally or in gendered ways other than heteronormatively, are nearly twice as likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and other mental health issues than the rest of the population.[ii]

Today’s society and culture is predominantly heteronormative which implies certain rules and guidelines.

As a result, GSRD individuals often feel that they don’t have ‘the right to exist’–it is traumatic for the soul and disrupts any normal personal development.

The feeling of difference, not feeling like they ‘fit in’ or that they belong, can be a source of tremendous shame and distress that follows many people into their adult life.

It generates internalised protective and defensive mechanisms that can lead to all sorts of self-destructive and neurotic behaviours, substance (ab)use, depression, anxiety, other mental health issues and even suicide.

It often denies people the ability to develop a fully authentic expression of their true potential, particularly around developing healthy sexual, emotional and relational connections with other GSRD people.

What can Transpersonal Psychotherapy Offer? 

Transpersonal psychology and in particular psychosynthesis therapy is not an approach that is yet widely known and acknowledged in terms of mental health provision.

However, it has the potential to offer something more, and different, especially when relating to some of the issues that are specific to GSRD clients: the opportunity to become who they really are and fulfil their truest potential, despite the limitations that existing social and environmental conditioning has placed on them.

As Carl Rogers puts it, using a quote from Kierkegaard, the Danish Philosopher[iii]:

“The aim of any human life is ‘to be that self which one truly is’”

Many GSRD people say they have felt or experienced a close connection with ‘something that is more than just me’ from very early on.

Overcoming challenges to become who they truly are feels greater, or ‘more real’, than everyday normality.Since early in life, GSRD people typically spend more time experiencing rejection or hatred and have to think about who they truly are, who they want to be and how to protect that.

For some, the exploration that occurred quite often included experiences which connected to aspects of the spiritual, mystical and/or mythical in life that they couldn’t quite understand, but that somehow held greater meaning for them – perhaps ‘knowing’ that something soulful and special exists within them.

But, at the same time, knowing it didn’t feel safe to ‘bring this out fully’ into the world because of the environmental, societal, cultural, religious, political or moralistic constraints in which they were growing up.

Many more weren’t lucky enough to experience those understandings or connections and, as a result, struggle to simply ‘exist’ because of the psychological damage and soul trauma those constraints had and are still having on them.

Psychology with a Soul

Spiritual psychology honours both the relative and absolute, the subjective and objective, the mind and the heart, the body and the soul, and the East and West approaches to transformation.

In fact, the very word “psychology” comes from the root words psykhē meaning “breath, spirit, soul” and logia meaning “study of.”[iv] Therefore, the original meaning of psychology was as a study of the soul. That’s a far cry from the secularised and clinical mind-centered psychology of our modern world.

As Sufi mystic, Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee writes[v],

“The processes of inner transformation are both spiritual and psychological. The spiritual work is the awakening of a higher state of consciousness: the consciousness of the heart. The psychological work involves cleaning the psyche of all the conditioning, psychological blocks, and complexes that could inhibit our spiritual awareness. [It] prepares the psyche for the intensity of inner experiences; it creates an empty, uncontaminated inner space for the awakening of our own divine nature.”

When the Soul or authentic ‘Self’ lies buried, wounded or afraid within us, the challenge of the psychological work to reach that part of us is that much harder – and needs much more care. Perhaps there is a genuine fear about imagining how that true self is going to be rejected or far less likely to be accepted by the world, which brings about more distress. The minority stress ‘dissonance’ between who we are and who we feel we have to be.

It’s a matter of life and death, life and death of the self, and often, unfortunately, also physically too.

There is a unique opportunity to appreciate diversity in gender or sexual identity as a gift that allows a better understanding of our world and of the one thing we ALL have in common: our difference.

Difference is not something to fight or push down to shame. It is something to embrace at the individual as well as community level to open up to full potential, integrate or ‘synthesise’ both the immanent and the transcendent into how we are ‘present’ in the world.

A key for GSRD clients is to have ‘guides’ who appreciate and recognise those earlier wounds. Guides who do not pathologise the actual ‘being-ness’ and who can re-connect with their clients’ gifts so that they can truly heal and reach their full potential.

That is what incorporating aspects of working transpersonally into our psychotherapy practice can offer GSRD clients.

“It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?”

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

We invite you to join our workshop

In the Working Transpersonally with Gender, Sexual and Relational Diversities (GSRD) weekend workshop hosted by The Psychosynthesis Trust and facilitated by Nick Field and Gian Montagna, which will be held on Saturday 19th and Sunday 20th June 2021, we intend to offer a space for those who want to broaden their knowledge and increase their confidence and effectiveness when working with gender, sexual and relationally diverse clients.

The workshop is open to all counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists and mental health practitioners, as well as students in their final year of counselling or psychotherapy training.

It will look at clients’ specific needs and issues, which might challenge the way you provide effective and non-pathologising support and will include psycho-educational input to counsellors/therapists about appropriate mental health support for GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationally diverse) clients. It will also provide you with key takeaways around more transpersonal ways of working that you can incorporate into your existing practice.

This workshops give you the opportunity to see for yourself how incorporating the Soul into your work, has the potential to transform your practice.

We hope to see you there!

Written by: Nick Field and Gian Montagna

Sign up here via our Eventbrite page

Refs:

^[i]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minority_stress

^[ii]https://www.london.gov.uk/about-us/london-assembly/london-assembly-publications/lgbt-mental-health-0

^[iii]Rogers, C – On Becoming A Person, Houghton Mifflin, p. 166 (1961)

^[iv]https://www.etymonline.com/word/psychology

^[v] Vaughan-Lee, L – Sufism, The Transformation of the Heart. The Golden Sufi Center; Paperback edition (June 1, 1995)

A clear and concise article by my colleague, Silva Neves, a psychosexual psychotherapist based here in London, where he deconstructs the myth of Sex Addiction.

Toxic shame is still such a problematic issue for many and being shamed for a sexuality that is intrinsically OK to start with, causes even further harm to all our Souls.

Silva does a great job of demystifying some of the, frankly, misleading and unhelpful media headlines and ‘hot topic’ therapy models for Sex and Porn Addiction that seem to be prevalent right now.

There is simply not enough clinical evidence that either sex or porn are addictive. Sure, you may have some sexual behaviours that you want to address because it causes problems in your life, but to have these pathologised into ‘Addiction’ causes fear and re-shaming around an integral, core part of  ‘being human’ – our erotic mind.

Human sexuality is a wonderful and diverse aspect of being ‘alive’. Even if it causing us distress at times, being able to explore, question, reflect on and make sense of this amazing aspect of ourselves with someone who has accurate knowledge about human sexual diversity and who can receive you in a non-judgmental space, can be a far more effective healing process than being shamed into believing there is something essentially wrong with you.

You can read his full article here.

I have recently got together with a colleague of mine, Gian Montagna, to set up and facilitate a new weekly meeting group in London, for gay, bi, trans or questioning men.

Run every Monday evening over a period of 3 months (12 sessions), Gay Essentials will be a weekly space to experiment with and explore connecting in deeper, more open and authentic ways with other gay/bi/trans men.

Gay Essentials will also be an opportunity for men who love men to experience their own rite-of-passage into a more authentic, sexual and relationally diverse adulthood, whilst also sharing this journey with others, in a safe, contained and holding environment.

The issue of a [lack of] proper initiation and rite-of-passage into manhood is particularly relevant for men who have sex with/desire/have romantic or platonic relationships or want to experience a more authentic intimacy with, other men today: From the environment we grew up in, to the day-to-day living we experience now, we continue to receive negative messages, experiences and woundings around our sense of ‘self’ as a man in today’s world. In order to cope, we develop skills and personas that keep people at a safe distance from our vulnerabilities or our sense of shame and guilt.

In a valiant attempt to either ‘escape from ourselves’ or find ways of connecting with other men, these coping mechanisms often lead to dependency on substances such as alcohol and drugs, or manifest in ways such as out-of-control sexual behaviours, body image and eating disorders, depression or anxiety. More frequently than we care to admit, these behaviours develop into unmanageable addictions and compulsions that wound us even further.

Throughout history there has been little in the way of support and mentorship for younger people or adults recognising, coming to terms with and accepting their individual and (a)sexual identities. An appropriate and healthy rite-of-passage process we are all entitled to.

It’s about time there was a space for this process to occur naturally, organically and safely, for men who love men.

Gian and I now want to offer and invite you to join us in, just such a space.

The first Group is planned to start in 2018 in London Bridge, SE1, so please take a look at the Gay Essentials website, please share with anyone you know who might be interested and get in touch if ‘you’ are interested in finding out more.

As a follow up to the “Breaking the Ice on Sexuality” posting I made yesterday, I came across this wonderful little animation by Bill Nye on “Ice Cream Sexuality” – go take a look – “I did not ‘urge’ to be pistachio, I ‘am’ pistachio”!

Spot on, but hopefully it’ll also make you just smile 🙂

How to include your sexuality/sexual fantasies and sexual identities in either therapy/counselling, or your own journey of Self-discovery

“Sex lies at the root of life and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex.” Henry Havelock Ellis

In a book called Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life (2011), Stanley Siegel, a Psychotherapist and author, suggests that it is unlikely for anyone growing out of childhood, not to have some form of conflict or unmet need. For most of us there is, to varying degrees, pain and unhappiness around these conflicts. Although they may not preoccupy our current thoughts and feelings, they do become part of our inner world and our individual psychology. They also set the stage for how we interact with the world.

At some point during the heightened sexuality of adolescence, we unconsciously tend to eroticise these unmet needs or unresolved conflicts from childhood in a complicated attempt to heal ourselves – we turn early painful experiences into pleasurable ones.

As we grow older, these same conflicts, now loaded with sexual themes and codes, become the root of our sexual fantasies, desires and behaviours. Through our sexuality (including those who evolve an asexual identity), we find the route to gaining mastery over feelings of powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness that we otherwise may feel will eventually defeat us.

Most Psychologists agree that sexual desire forms during early adolescence and tends to solidify by young adulthood. People’s attractions are far more varied and original than anybody would really like to admit. The details of these attractions are based on each individual’s unique psychology and family history.

Most people’s erotic desires are part of their hard wiring – and rather than trying to ‘fix’ these issues that may have evolved from early childhood, as many therapists or counsellors would try to do, I believe that these desires won’t fundamentally change after such resolution.

Its much more helpful for people to understand the meaning and purpose of their true desires and identities and honour them rather than suppress them – our (a)sexuality is an integral aspect of our true identity which needs just as much exploration and resolution from earlier wounds, as any other aspect of our sense of self.

Sexuality also stretches back throughout time and history into a communal and collective human unconscious that contains many mythical, archetypal, spiritual and collective human experiences.

This aspect of your journey into self takes a lot of courage and commitment – the path can be rocky and full of intense feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety and powerlessness – but the thresholds crossed in this type of self exploration and acceptance act like rites-of-passage and initiation processes into a closer and more authentic integration of our inner and outer worlds. They also act as a framework for finding and living the authentic lives we are meant to live, in total right relation with the people we are meant to be with.

“Sexual attraction is not at all a purely physical event. The Soul is always in search of whatever will complete its desire and our physical eyes are never separate from the eyes of the soul” – Thomas Moore

Below you will find 10 questions to be used as a way of focusing your thoughts on your sexuality/sexual identity and/or any issues/problems/struggles you may have with them (for sexual you can also use asexual for some of the questions, if it works better for you).

Write your answers down for each question. You can either just use it for your own personal self-exploration and understanding, or you could take it to your therapist/counsellor, if you have one, (or someone else who can help you explore these discoveries professionally, safely and ethically with), and ask if you could discuss your sexuality and identity using the information you have uncovered here.

You can provide as much or as little information to each of the questions as you feel you want to/can right now. But if you feel unable or uncomfortable answering any of them, it is useful to note which ones and why they made you feel this way:

1. How would you describe your sexual history and identity? What was your first sexual experience, how has this changed or evolved over time and how important is sex to you?

2. What is your sexual health history and practice?

3. How many sexual or intimate partners do you have currently? What about in the last 12 months? What’s your thoughts/feelings around monogamy/open relationships?

4. Do you have sex (or fantasise about having sex) with male, female, transgender or gender fluid partners? What age do they tend to be?

5. What sexual fantasies tend to be more prominent for you at present? How do you feel about these fantasies?

6. If, in your core fantasies, there is/has been a consistent ‘story’ or ‘personas’ that you find you, or your fantasy partners in, what might be involved?

7. What do you feel are the biggest obstacles or conflicts that you have, or that interfere with the authentic and full expression of your deepest sexual desires, fetishes, fantasies or kinks? (all that apply)

• • lack of confidence
  • shame/guilt
  • fear of discovery
  • family, social, moral, religious judgment
  • concern of others knowing
  • inexperience
  • partner(s) doesn’t/do not share my desires
  • other, please specify

8. What role, if any, do the following play in your sexual life and what are your thoughts/feelings around this?
   • internet
   • social media/dating apps
   • porn
   • Drugs or any other mind-altering substances
   • Spirituality

9. Who do you consider ‘family’ (blood family ‘and/or’ heart family) and who helps you/do you talk with around making (sexual/mental) health decisions?

10. Is there anything else you want to mention about your sexual identity or practices, so that you can be as honest and authentic with yourself as you can be, if you are starting this type of journey of discovery?

Sexual fantasies and desires are windows into the deepest levels of our psyche and our sense of ‘self’. It should be at the centre of our discovery of self because it illuminates who we are and who we can become.

If we treat and celebrate sex with the same openness, honesty and respect as we would any other aspect of ourself, we can transfer pain into pleasure, loneliness into connection and fear into joy.

It will be a good guide for you to see how your therapist/counsellor responds to this ‘breaking the ice’ around sexuality, as to whether they are comfortable and honouring enough in their own sexuality to be the right person to help you unpack and explore yours.

References/resources:

Galen Fous: Personal Erotic Myth Survey (PEM Research Survey)

Stanley Siegel (2011): Your Brain on Sex:How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life. Sourcebooks Casablanca (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Brain-Sex-Smarter-Change/dp/1402253923)

Tashra.org: The Clinicians Guide to care of Kinky Patients (http://www.tashra.org/provider-education-)

A new review of the book I recently had 2 Chapters published in:

“Although aimed at the practitioner and professional there is much in this book that an informed layperson can benefit from, not least of which is the clear honest voices of experience of people living lives of delicate complexity and discussing openly and with a clarity that’s often not given platform the ways and means of developing ones identity, life choices and experiences based on what’s true to you.

There are some profoundly interesting chapters in this book, that challenge as much as inform but anyone with an interest in proud, frank and non-pathologizing discussions of gendered identities and sexual practices that are explored in honest and engaging ways would find this book invaluable in a process of personal understanding or development.”

Full review available here.

Available for purchase now here and here.

Free copies available for Reviewers and discounted copies available for Individuals, Institutions and Event Organisers. Please contact me on nick@nickfield.com or contact Resonance Publications direct for further information.

I have recently contributed 2 Chapters to a newly published book: Critical & Experiential: Dimensions in Gender and Sexual Diversity – Edited by Previn Karian and published by Resonance Publications Ltd, it is an exciting collection of original, cutting-edge thinking from those living and working within the newly emerging field of gender and sexual diversity (GSD). The real diversity of human nature, human experience and human histories provoke, demand and generate critical thinking. The lived experiences shared in this book stand as a testament to this diversity. Voices which need to be heard!

Available for purchase now here and here.

Critical & Experiential is a multidisciplinary collection of chapters written from within the newly emerging field in gender and sexual diversity (GSD) that moves beyond the LGBTQ(IA) acronym to include non-binary and heterosexual variation. It brings together academics, practitioners and activists from the UK, US, Canada, Russia and India working in the fields of psychology, clinical psychology, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, counselling, sociology, cultural studies, political activism, legal consultancy and legal expert witnessing.

The contributions are primarily aimed at mental health, psychology and psychotherapy practitioners and teachers, as well as those working with psychological aspects of social sciences and legal theory. The concepts of ‘critical’ and ‘critique’ are reframed throughout as experientially provoked thinking and thought. This collection provides a practical reference handbook to critique our range and styles of learning, teaching and interventions in the GSD field. However, it is also a stimulus to broader questions about mental health in the psychological organization of social and professional values that, painfully, still demand to be voiced, if not critiqued.

The chapters I contributed were based on some original research I did for my MA. Splicing reflections on my own life experiences and therapeutic modelling during training with those of three interviewees, I attempt to open up a psychological space between BDSM, male homosexuality and psychotherapy. Applying Psychosynthesis and Person Centred psychotherapy methodology, I try to identify and validate the psychological states of mind that can be experienced in gay male homosexuality. I discuss the psychological equality that can exist in BDSM and look at the meaning of transpersonal as an intimate connectedness between sexual partners and within sexual communities. Further, I consider comparisons between psychological shifts and positions in Gay Leathersex and the conventional therapeutic session to advance Psychosynthesis and Assagioli’s take on sexuality further. Providing and advancing a non-pathological lens that offers up an alternative opportunity for transformed sexuality, spirituality and self-actualisation that could be used in therapy and therapeutic training.

All of this is underscored by a direct challenge to current mental health and psychotherapy trainings regarding the dangerous inadequacy of information, dismissal and exclusion for this alternative sexuality group. I provide comparisons between psychological shifts and positions in Gay Leathersex and the conventional therapeutic session that brings to light some potentially profound empathic failures. The transmission of this culture through mentoring support and education for youth comprised of male gay adolescents is therefore vital to the psychological health and welfare of future generations. Given that these subculture’s and their histories and spiritual ancestry are becoming more and more visible and younger and younger gay boys/men are exploring their sexuality and spirituality, frantically searching for even deeper authenticity in a constantly restrictive environment/society, this human, ‘life’ knowledge for gay men (in all manifestations) is especially important and critical to have available.

Free copies available for Reviewers and discounted copies available for Individuals, Institutions and Event Organisers. Please contact me on nick@nickfield.com or contact Resonance Publications direct for further information.

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Psychosynthesis is a model of counselling and therapy that recognises and seeks to strengthen I-Self connection, works with subpersonalities and holds bi-focal vision to observe what is unfolding. If you’d like to explore further what each of those terms means, then just click the relevant link.